Its a process.
Do you ever feel like your life is the “processing” icon on your computer. This is where I am.
It has been almost a month now since La Nouba closed and I am still a spinning color wheel just trying to process all the feels. I had big plans to take you all on a journey with me through live postings, tons of pictures, thoughtful posts, and way too many poetic moments. But you know what? I didn’t do any of that. I didn’t even gift anything to my fellow La Noubians. I couldn’t. I couldn’t find anything truly meaningful that would represent my feelings. I couldn’t find any words that seemed worthy. I needed to process. I took the last two weeks of December and just lived in the moment. I treasured every single second that I was in that building and those memories of the Final Bow are something that I still can’t put into words. I’ve never experienced anything like it before.
In a world so focused on the end product… Sometimes we just need to process.
I’m usually one of those people that feel the need to jump from one thing to another. Come hell or high water, I will move on without a second look. I would have planned my next move down to the second with no gaps. No time to say “hi” or “goodbye.” That was easy. But was it really living? Here I am, three weeks out of the circus. Unemployed. Slightly depressed. Slightly unmotivated (especially when it comes to chores around the house). And over analyzing everything in sight! Its like taking inventory at the beginning of the year. Here is what I have. Here is where I am. I’ve never really had the opportunity to take a break like this before. To just stand still for a while and take it all in. I’ve never had the chance to look at life quite like this. You know what I’ve discovered so far? Its been one crazy ride! I’ve done some amazing things that I’m super proud of. And I deserve this chance to spin around in it for a hot second.
There have been a lot of changes this year, as to be expected. I’ve challenged my past routines and tried to break old habits. BUT… I’ve found out, there is a big difference between strength and stubbornness. I’ve learned being strong means listening, forgiving, and growing. Being strong is working toward your goals and not deterring. Being strong is letting others care and worry but knowing their opinions cannot make or break you. I have some very special people in my life who are helping me take it one step at a time. Sometimes, its as simple as a motorcycle ride, a lunch date, open mic night at a wonderful little bar, random trips to Target, and just generally dragging me out of the house!
I’m still a strong woman who won’t settle for anything less than what I want. I will not be defined by stereotypes or pigeon-holed by what others “think” I can do. And I will not let anyone tell me different. I will also let myself process and enjoy the colors as they go round and round for just a bit more.